It's been almost 2 years since I left the workforce to become a SAHM. Well, kind of. I don't exactly stay at home much. Or, I didn't, until recently.
Two years, and still I find myself overwhelmed and unsure. I gladly take the "parenting back seat" whenever anyone else is around who seems even a teensy bit inclined to chase after my toddler. (Although honestly, other people chase after Carson far far earlier than I normally do. I tend to let him explore his environment and I don't worry so much about "what if he falls down/gets hurt") I have pinned so many activities, yet find myself unable to get organized enough to actually put any of them together. I have visions of my perfect SAHM mom life, that one day, I'll magically be this person who has really fun, crafty, artsy play dates for Carson and all of his toddler friends. (You know, the ones that he will have, because I haven't really gotten that far yet.) That one day, I'll sell my iPhone, trading it in for an old style candy bar phone so that I can stop looking at Facebook, Pinterest, Etsy, Ebay, and Instagram and instead interact with my beautiful, inquisitive child. I dream of being this "fun mom", this mom who has energy to run and play, climb on the playground equipment, and live a rich and full life with her kids.
Instead, I feel like a lump.
I feel overwhelmed by the life that I dream to have. I feel like simplicity is so farfetched. I try to come up with where to start my journey to becoming awesome, and it makes me want to cry. I am dragging. I have no energy. No motivation. I feel down. I feel this need to have these really cool activities, and if I can't sort it out in my head, I don't even attempt it. My need for perfectionism keeps me from doing a lot of things that I want to do. I think to myself, "If I just had more time/money/space/supplies/etc..." I don't think it should be this hard. Two years, and I still haven't gotten the hang of being a mom. I do what I have to to survive, but I am not thriving. In trying to stress less, I think I'm becoming numb. Carson rubs his greek yogurt covered hands all over the couch? Doesn't affect me. Licking dirty hose water off of the driveway? Doesn't bother me. Sticks his finger up his butt hole? That grosses me out. A lot. But I don't know what to do about it. Dog licking Carson's penis, as Carson lets him? Also grosses me out. So I flip out on Carson and the dog. Carson poops on the potty (Yay!) and then hops on his tricycle and rides away before I can wipe his butt? Sigh. Now I have to go chase him and clean him AND the bike. I float from occurrence to occurrence, either fixing whatever was done, or pretending I didn't see it. I don't have much of a hold on my day. I get covered in slime of all sorts (food, fluids, bodily whatevers) and I can't stand that--I really don't like being dirty. I don't want to do "chores", but I try to find comfort in the fact that I can kind of zone out while washing dishes or folding laundry. And if I bring the laundry into the living room, I can maybe even watch some TV while I fold. I just....I don't know. I don't feel like the person I used to be. And I know I'll never be that person ever again. I don't want to be. But I want to laugh. My friend said to me that I should laugh because I'm really happy and having a good time, not because I'm insane. And she's right. I laugh when shit happens, because what else can you do? And I do laugh for other reasons than just being insane. But I'd like to do so more often. I say I'd like to play games with my husband and some friends, but we don't really have many couple friends together (or any...really...), and my house needs so much work before anyone could come over. I don't want to invite people over. My MIL comes over to babysit Carson and she'll sweep the floor, wash dishes, etc...and I try to feel like she's just being nice and trying to help out, but part of me thinks that she comes over and looks at me and thinks I'm a lazy ass who can't be bothered to keep a clean house. And okay. That's true too. I don't think I can honestly say when the last time I mopped the floor was. Or the last time I actually did a full bathroom clean. Or dusted. Or cleaned windows. Or took everything off of the kitchen counters and wiped it all down really well. It just doesn't happen. I care, but it's one of those "one day" things. One day I'll have a massive cleaning day, you know, when I'm awesome. And for now I'm a lump, who just gets through the day. I don't feel like I'm "doing my best". I feel like there is a weight that pulls me down. I just wish it would go away so I can enjoy this awesome time that I have been given to spend with my son. Time that I will never ever get back.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
6 weeks 3 days pregnant, 20 month old toddler
I just enjoyed two fun-sized snicker bars for breakfast and holy moly cow were they tasty. I haven't had a snickers in I don't know how long. Very yum.
Last night I was very tired, then woke myself up, then had a hard time getting back to sleep because I felt so nauseous. It's been pretty intense lately. I feel better while I'm eating, but immediately feel crappy again when I'm done. I am thankful that I'm not puking my brains out at every turn, but the constant nausea is getting annoying.
I am also really starting to feel the exhaustion. Yesterday I felt myself nodding off while driving home. Not good! I'm going to have to stick my head out of the window like a dog or something. I need to go to the library and get a new audio book. Maybe I'll aim to do that this morning before heading down to Vero.
Carson is up! And not very happy about it. He's getting happier though as I let the che-che out ha, ha. Last night before we put him to bed he was very insistent about "shoes." It was so cute. He was wearing Kevin's Sketcher's GoRuns and kept bringing Kevin, who just wanted to brush his teeth, pairs of dress and tennis shoes to put on. I must say that Carson walked around in those giant shoes like a boss--so steady, so confident. Too cute.
I have started offering him almond milk as an eventual alternative to cows milk. He is still nursing (hence the che-che), and I am not against him having an occasional glass of regular cows milk, but I don't think it's as healthy as everyone believes it is. So I'm introducing almond milk. He LOVES it! It's so cute. When I mention it, he lights up and runs to the fridge.
I'm excited--Carson pooped on the potty yesterday, and today he peed on the potty twice in a row! I'm very hopeful that he will be potty trained before he's two. :D
Okay, my little monkey is showing interest in climbing the computer desk now, so time is up for today.
Last night I was very tired, then woke myself up, then had a hard time getting back to sleep because I felt so nauseous. It's been pretty intense lately. I feel better while I'm eating, but immediately feel crappy again when I'm done. I am thankful that I'm not puking my brains out at every turn, but the constant nausea is getting annoying.
I am also really starting to feel the exhaustion. Yesterday I felt myself nodding off while driving home. Not good! I'm going to have to stick my head out of the window like a dog or something. I need to go to the library and get a new audio book. Maybe I'll aim to do that this morning before heading down to Vero.
Carson is up! And not very happy about it. He's getting happier though as I let the che-che out ha, ha. Last night before we put him to bed he was very insistent about "shoes." It was so cute. He was wearing Kevin's Sketcher's GoRuns and kept bringing Kevin, who just wanted to brush his teeth, pairs of dress and tennis shoes to put on. I must say that Carson walked around in those giant shoes like a boss--so steady, so confident. Too cute.
I have started offering him almond milk as an eventual alternative to cows milk. He is still nursing (hence the che-che), and I am not against him having an occasional glass of regular cows milk, but I don't think it's as healthy as everyone believes it is. So I'm introducing almond milk. He LOVES it! It's so cute. When I mention it, he lights up and runs to the fridge.
I'm excited--Carson pooped on the potty yesterday, and today he peed on the potty twice in a row! I'm very hopeful that he will be potty trained before he's two. :D
Okay, my little monkey is showing interest in climbing the computer desk now, so time is up for today.
Friday, October 18, 2013
5 weeks pregnant / 20 month old toddler
I feel good about this pregnancy.
I'm tired, even though the fact that it's 12:13am threatens to contradict me. I could have fallen asleep at 1pm today. It's a battle to keep my eyes open when I plop down with Carson and Tessa for che-che/bottle (respectively) and trying to get the two to fall asleep for an early afternoon nap. Then, a few times last week when putting Carson to bed, I accidentally went to bed, too. Typically I like to get up and enjoy a few minutes of toddler-free peace. A few minutes to just exist. A few minutes free of adorable, sticky, rough little hands pulling me in one direction or another. I love it--I do. I just also revel in the occasional break. Who am I kidding? Relief floods over me when he falls asleep and I can enjoy myself doing whatever I need to or want to get done.
I felt a wave of nausea when I chugged some water down earlier in the day. That oddly excited me. I was nauseous last time. It was pretty much the only symptom I had, besides being fat and bloated. But the water thing--that was a thing when I was pregnant with Carson. If I tried to drink more than a normal sip, I'd get all queasy. Never physically "sick", just queasy.
My POAS line was pretty dark a week ago--as dark as the last line was at 6 weeks pregnant. So I feel like my hCG levels are higher and probably closer to where they should be. I was able to get a positive at 9 days past ovulation. It was FAINT. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. And then the next morning it was a teensy bit darker. I think I got a fairly early positive last time as well, but the shift to a dark line was really really slow. Much slower than this time.
And Carson's nursing habits have changed this past week, making me think my milk supply is changing or lessening. That definitely didn't happen last time. I didn't think a supply drop could happen so soon, but Carson has been insisting on nursing from both sides, and we have always just nursed one side per nursing session. He goes back and forth every few seconds. I pretty much just have to take off my shirt. It's like nursing a litter of kittens, but it's just Carson. This is mostly in the evenings, when he is usually cluster nursing. So I wonder if my supply just can't keep up with so much cha-cha manufacturing now that I'm pregnant.
I'm trying to be happy and excited about being pregnant. At the same time, I'm trying to keep from getting too excited. I have a very expensive baby swing that we keep tripping over from the last pregnancy--a constant reminder of what we lost, and how excited we were. And I had already pulled out my maternity clothes. I never put them back away, because I had a feeling it wouldn't be too long before we'd get pregnant again. So I've been looking at those for a few months. This baby deserves my excitement, but it's hard to not be hesitant. I haven't taken any belly pics. I was insistent upon it last time, and now I just feel stupid. Maybe I'll start next trimester.
I'm picturing the baby as a girl. I keep referring to her by her name. It's going to be another boy. But it doesn't matter. I will love it either way.
Carson is 20 months old now--fast approaching 2! It's crazy. Make it stop! Kidding! I do love him so much at this perfect size though. He has so much spirit. I hope I don't crush it with my mood swings and exhaustion. He loves spotting "ah-pee"s. (air planes) He gets very excited, and points up, yelling "ahhh--peeeee" So cute. Ticklesaurous Rex--plays with Kevin. He holds his hands up like tickle claws and goes "rrraar!" He loves the chickens--all birds are "bok bok"s . He enjoys drawing and coloring. And painting. Loves scissors. And cooking with real ingredients. He emptied an entire cinnamon container while I was making dinner one night. (I let him--it was worth it to have him entertained so I could cook!). He is always trying to sneak up on the computer desk. I have recently started night weaning and potty training. Both are going relatively well. Night weaning is better than potty training. He hardly wakes up and fusses anymore. And he is doing very very well peeing on the potty in the mornings. I'm so excited. My goal is to have him trained before June of next year!
Okay, exhaustion is taking over.
I'm tired, even though the fact that it's 12:13am threatens to contradict me. I could have fallen asleep at 1pm today. It's a battle to keep my eyes open when I plop down with Carson and Tessa for che-che/bottle (respectively) and trying to get the two to fall asleep for an early afternoon nap. Then, a few times last week when putting Carson to bed, I accidentally went to bed, too. Typically I like to get up and enjoy a few minutes of toddler-free peace. A few minutes to just exist. A few minutes free of adorable, sticky, rough little hands pulling me in one direction or another. I love it--I do. I just also revel in the occasional break. Who am I kidding? Relief floods over me when he falls asleep and I can enjoy myself doing whatever I need to or want to get done.
I felt a wave of nausea when I chugged some water down earlier in the day. That oddly excited me. I was nauseous last time. It was pretty much the only symptom I had, besides being fat and bloated. But the water thing--that was a thing when I was pregnant with Carson. If I tried to drink more than a normal sip, I'd get all queasy. Never physically "sick", just queasy.
My POAS line was pretty dark a week ago--as dark as the last line was at 6 weeks pregnant. So I feel like my hCG levels are higher and probably closer to where they should be. I was able to get a positive at 9 days past ovulation. It was FAINT. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. And then the next morning it was a teensy bit darker. I think I got a fairly early positive last time as well, but the shift to a dark line was really really slow. Much slower than this time.
And Carson's nursing habits have changed this past week, making me think my milk supply is changing or lessening. That definitely didn't happen last time. I didn't think a supply drop could happen so soon, but Carson has been insisting on nursing from both sides, and we have always just nursed one side per nursing session. He goes back and forth every few seconds. I pretty much just have to take off my shirt. It's like nursing a litter of kittens, but it's just Carson. This is mostly in the evenings, when he is usually cluster nursing. So I wonder if my supply just can't keep up with so much cha-cha manufacturing now that I'm pregnant.
I'm trying to be happy and excited about being pregnant. At the same time, I'm trying to keep from getting too excited. I have a very expensive baby swing that we keep tripping over from the last pregnancy--a constant reminder of what we lost, and how excited we were. And I had already pulled out my maternity clothes. I never put them back away, because I had a feeling it wouldn't be too long before we'd get pregnant again. So I've been looking at those for a few months. This baby deserves my excitement, but it's hard to not be hesitant. I haven't taken any belly pics. I was insistent upon it last time, and now I just feel stupid. Maybe I'll start next trimester.
I'm picturing the baby as a girl. I keep referring to her by her name. It's going to be another boy. But it doesn't matter. I will love it either way.
Carson is 20 months old now--fast approaching 2! It's crazy. Make it stop! Kidding! I do love him so much at this perfect size though. He has so much spirit. I hope I don't crush it with my mood swings and exhaustion. He loves spotting "ah-pee"s. (air planes) He gets very excited, and points up, yelling "ahhh--peeeee" So cute. Ticklesaurous Rex--plays with Kevin. He holds his hands up like tickle claws and goes "rrraar!" He loves the chickens--all birds are "bok bok"s . He enjoys drawing and coloring. And painting. Loves scissors. And cooking with real ingredients. He emptied an entire cinnamon container while I was making dinner one night. (I let him--it was worth it to have him entertained so I could cook!). He is always trying to sneak up on the computer desk. I have recently started night weaning and potty training. Both are going relatively well. Night weaning is better than potty training. He hardly wakes up and fusses anymore. And he is doing very very well peeing on the potty in the mornings. I'm so excited. My goal is to have him trained before June of next year!
Okay, exhaustion is taking over.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
So I apparently suck at blogging.
Meaning that I haven't made a post since Carson was about 3 months old. CRAZY.
Carson is now 16 months old, 23 pounds, and 2ft 7in tall (I think). He is amazing! But what is just mind blowing is that he's not a baby anymore, he's a little boy. A little boy with thoughts and ideas and his very own little agenda. He's very very busy. He loves to throw things and he loves sorting and rearranging things around the house. I often find toys or kitchen utensils hidden in the garbage can, or my shoes migrate from one room to another. He takes his diapers out of the diaper basket and piles them up elsewhere sometimes too.
He is sleeping now, so I'm going to take this opportunity to get some things done! Although I can't decide what to do...omg omg omg omg
Carson is now 16 months old, 23 pounds, and 2ft 7in tall (I think). He is amazing! But what is just mind blowing is that he's not a baby anymore, he's a little boy. A little boy with thoughts and ideas and his very own little agenda. He's very very busy. He loves to throw things and he loves sorting and rearranging things around the house. I often find toys or kitchen utensils hidden in the garbage can, or my shoes migrate from one room to another. He takes his diapers out of the diaper basket and piles them up elsewhere sometimes too.
He is sleeping now, so I'm going to take this opportunity to get some things done! Although I can't decide what to do...omg omg omg omg
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
11 weeks, 4 days old: Wow.
Ok, it's been forever since I have posted, but I don't have Internet at home and typing on your phone kinda sucks. But I wanted to post, so here we are.
I love my little chicken SO MUCH. Omg. Soo cute. He's amazing. He really has started being more of a person this past week. I mean, obviously he's a person, but it's like he "woke up" or something. Idk. This week has been awesome. He coo's and smiles and looks really fast from side to side. He loves his mobile and the fan, and he likes story books with vivid pictures. He loves bath time. And he just started this new thing where he sucks his right thumb and plays with his left ear. Soo cute. He sleeps pretty well through the night and loves being swaddled. He likes the mirror. He is so amazing. It's hard to wrap my head around it. I mean, he used to live in my belly!!! And now he's here and perfect and it's crazy. Life is crazy. I can't even fathom the logistics of it.
I was going to write about my crazy day yesterday but my thumb hurts. Maybe later!
I love my little chicken SO MUCH. Omg. Soo cute. He's amazing. He really has started being more of a person this past week. I mean, obviously he's a person, but it's like he "woke up" or something. Idk. This week has been awesome. He coo's and smiles and looks really fast from side to side. He loves his mobile and the fan, and he likes story books with vivid pictures. He loves bath time. And he just started this new thing where he sucks his right thumb and plays with his left ear. Soo cute. He sleeps pretty well through the night and loves being swaddled. He likes the mirror. He is so amazing. It's hard to wrap my head around it. I mean, he used to live in my belly!!! And now he's here and perfect and it's crazy. Life is crazy. I can't even fathom the logistics of it.
I was going to write about my crazy day yesterday but my thumb hurts. Maybe later!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
3 Weeks & 2 Days Old: Time is flying.
Carson is almost a month old! I can't even believe it. At the same time though, it feels like labor and delivery was a million years ago. I guess this is how you have your second and third kids. His neck is getting a little stronger, and his movements are getting a little less jerky. He's also starting to lose his moro reflex already. Love the rooting reflex though! So cute. I'm so tired right now, I thought I wanted to blog but now I'm not so sure. I feel like I could just fall asleep. I think I'm going to start a new blog. Or, another blog, rather. It's going to be about TTC, Pregnancy, Birth, Baby, and Postpartum. I don't know what to call it though. I liked the name Diamonds to Diapers, but 1. I don't want to exclude anyone who isn't married or engaged, and 2. I don't really want to have to include wedding planning. I'll have to get back with a name.
Monday, March 5, 2012
HE'S HERE!
Carson Brook
Born Feb 17th, 2012
@1:22pm
7lbs 6oz
20.5 in long
I'm holding him in one arm, so typing is tough. I'll have to post my birth story at another time. So check back soon! I'm also going to post a list of useful/non-useful things and such.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)