Friday, October 18, 2013

5 weeks pregnant / 20 month old toddler

I feel good about this pregnancy.

I'm tired, even though the fact that it's 12:13am threatens to contradict me.  I could have fallen asleep at 1pm today.  It's a battle to keep my eyes open when I plop down with Carson and Tessa for che-che/bottle (respectively) and trying to get the two to fall asleep for an early afternoon nap.  Then, a few times last week when putting Carson to bed, I accidentally went to bed, too.  Typically I like to get up and enjoy a few minutes of toddler-free peace.  A few minutes to just exist.  A few minutes free of adorable, sticky, rough little hands pulling me in one direction or another.  I love it--I do.  I just also revel in the occasional break.  Who am I kidding?  Relief floods over me when he falls asleep and I can enjoy myself doing whatever I need to or want to get done.

I felt a wave of nausea when I chugged some water down earlier in the day.  That oddly excited me.  I was nauseous last time.  It was pretty much the only symptom I had, besides being fat and bloated.  But the water thing--that was a thing when I was pregnant with Carson.  If I tried to drink more than a normal sip, I'd get all queasy.  Never physically "sick", just queasy.

My POAS line was pretty dark a week ago--as dark as the last line was at 6 weeks pregnant.  So I feel like my hCG levels are higher and probably closer to where they should be.  I was able to get a positive at 9 days past ovulation.  It was FAINT.  I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.  And then the next morning it was a teensy bit darker.  I think I got a fairly early positive last time as well, but the shift to a dark line was really really slow.  Much slower than this time.

And Carson's nursing habits have changed this past week, making me think my milk supply is changing or lessening.  That definitely didn't happen last time.  I didn't think a supply drop could happen so soon, but Carson has been insisting on nursing from both sides, and we have always just nursed one side per nursing session.  He goes back and forth every few seconds.  I pretty much just have to take off my shirt.  It's like nursing a litter of kittens, but it's just Carson.  This is mostly in the evenings, when he is usually cluster nursing.  So I wonder if my supply just can't keep up with so much cha-cha manufacturing now that I'm pregnant.

I'm trying to be happy and excited about being pregnant.  At the same time, I'm trying to keep from getting too excited.  I have a very expensive baby swing that we keep tripping over from the last pregnancy--a constant reminder of what we lost, and how excited we were.  And I had already pulled out my maternity clothes.  I never put them back away, because I had a feeling it wouldn't be too long before we'd get pregnant again.  So I've been looking at those for a few months.  This baby deserves my excitement, but it's hard to not be hesitant.  I haven't taken any belly pics.  I was insistent upon it last time, and now I just feel stupid.  Maybe I'll start next trimester.

I'm picturing the baby as a girl.  I keep referring to her by her name.  It's going to be another boy.  But it doesn't matter.  I will love it either way.

Carson is 20 months old now--fast approaching 2!  It's crazy.  Make it stop!  Kidding!  I do love him so much at this perfect size though.  He has so much spirit.  I hope I don't crush it with my mood swings and exhaustion.  He loves spotting "ah-pee"s.  (air planes)  He gets very excited, and points up, yelling "ahhh--peeeee"  So cute.  Ticklesaurous Rex--plays with Kevin.  He holds his hands up like tickle claws and goes "rrraar!"  He loves the chickens--all birds are "bok bok"s .  He enjoys drawing and coloring.  And painting.  Loves scissors.  And cooking with real ingredients.  He emptied an entire cinnamon container while I was making dinner one night.  (I let him--it was worth it to have him entertained so I could cook!).  He is always trying to sneak up on the computer desk.  I have recently started night weaning and potty training.  Both are going relatively well.  Night weaning is better than potty training.  He hardly wakes up and fusses anymore.  And he is doing very very well peeing on the potty in the mornings.  I'm so excited.  My goal is to have him trained before June of next year!

Okay, exhaustion is taking over.  

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