It's been almost 2 years since I left the workforce to become a SAHM. Well, kind of. I don't exactly stay at home much. Or, I didn't, until recently.
Two years, and still I find myself overwhelmed and unsure. I gladly take the "parenting back seat" whenever anyone else is around who seems even a teensy bit inclined to chase after my toddler. (Although honestly, other people chase after Carson far far earlier than I normally do. I tend to let him explore his environment and I don't worry so much about "what if he falls down/gets hurt") I have pinned so many activities, yet find myself unable to get organized enough to actually put any of them together. I have visions of my perfect SAHM mom life, that one day, I'll magically be this person who has really fun, crafty, artsy play dates for Carson and all of his toddler friends. (You know, the ones that he will have, because I haven't really gotten that far yet.) That one day, I'll sell my iPhone, trading it in for an old style candy bar phone so that I can stop looking at Facebook, Pinterest, Etsy, Ebay, and Instagram and instead interact with my beautiful, inquisitive child. I dream of being this "fun mom", this mom who has energy to run and play, climb on the playground equipment, and live a rich and full life with her kids.
Instead, I feel like a lump.
I feel overwhelmed by the life that I dream to have. I feel like simplicity is so farfetched. I try to come up with where to start my journey to becoming awesome, and it makes me want to cry. I am dragging. I have no energy. No motivation. I feel down. I feel this need to have these really cool activities, and if I can't sort it out in my head, I don't even attempt it. My need for perfectionism keeps me from doing a lot of things that I want to do. I think to myself, "If I just had more time/money/space/supplies/etc..." I don't think it should be this hard. Two years, and I still haven't gotten the hang of being a mom. I do what I have to to survive, but I am not thriving. In trying to stress less, I think I'm becoming numb. Carson rubs his greek yogurt covered hands all over the couch? Doesn't affect me. Licking dirty hose water off of the driveway? Doesn't bother me. Sticks his finger up his butt hole? That grosses me out. A lot. But I don't know what to do about it. Dog licking Carson's penis, as Carson lets him? Also grosses me out. So I flip out on Carson and the dog. Carson poops on the potty (Yay!) and then hops on his tricycle and rides away before I can wipe his butt? Sigh. Now I have to go chase him and clean him AND the bike. I float from occurrence to occurrence, either fixing whatever was done, or pretending I didn't see it. I don't have much of a hold on my day. I get covered in slime of all sorts (food, fluids, bodily whatevers) and I can't stand that--I really don't like being dirty. I don't want to do "chores", but I try to find comfort in the fact that I can kind of zone out while washing dishes or folding laundry. And if I bring the laundry into the living room, I can maybe even watch some TV while I fold. I just....I don't know. I don't feel like the person I used to be. And I know I'll never be that person ever again. I don't want to be. But I want to laugh. My friend said to me that I should laugh because I'm really happy and having a good time, not because I'm insane. And she's right. I laugh when shit happens, because what else can you do? And I do laugh for other reasons than just being insane. But I'd like to do so more often. I say I'd like to play games with my husband and some friends, but we don't really have many couple friends together (or any...really...), and my house needs so much work before anyone could come over. I don't want to invite people over. My MIL comes over to babysit Carson and she'll sweep the floor, wash dishes, etc...and I try to feel like she's just being nice and trying to help out, but part of me thinks that she comes over and looks at me and thinks I'm a lazy ass who can't be bothered to keep a clean house. And okay. That's true too. I don't think I can honestly say when the last time I mopped the floor was. Or the last time I actually did a full bathroom clean. Or dusted. Or cleaned windows. Or took everything off of the kitchen counters and wiped it all down really well. It just doesn't happen. I care, but it's one of those "one day" things. One day I'll have a massive cleaning day, you know, when I'm awesome. And for now I'm a lump, who just gets through the day. I don't feel like I'm "doing my best". I feel like there is a weight that pulls me down. I just wish it would go away so I can enjoy this awesome time that I have been given to spend with my son. Time that I will never ever get back.