Friday, April 8, 2011

TTC for 16 days, and I'm already sick of imaginary pregnancy symptoms

I find that I am a lot more aware of my body than I have ever been before.  Every stomach gurgle, every flutter, every twinge, every headache, every pee, and every time I feel even a little tired.  I'm aware of every time I feel out of breath, every time my feet hurt, the nerve that bothers me in my back, and even my finger and toe nails that seem to be growing faster than ever.

Well let me just say that this heightened awareness sucks.  Sucks, Sucks, Sucks!

I swear I am over analyzing EVERYTHING.

For example:

Last month was my final cycle of BC, although I didn't know this until I was taking my last pill.  I had missed one pill in the middle of the pill pack, and we happened to BD that same day.  I've had the baby bug though, so I wasn't terribly worried about it.  I figured if I ended up pregnant, great!  If not, no harm done.  Anyways, I came down with bronchitis a few days after that, and I had a fever for 4 days.  I went to the walk-in clinic and was tested for a whole slew of things (I guess they have to pay the bills somehow...) including a pee test for pregnancy, which was a BFN.  But AF was due to start 3 days after that.  Which she did.  But I was so slow to recover, I started to think I was pregnant despite AF showing up.  And we had BD a once after AF, so I guess technically possible, but unlikely.  Anyways, I was tired and out of breath a lot, lots of mucus, and had felt kinda nauseous at one point, plus I had a headache at the same time for like, 9 days in a row, and I practically had myself convinced that I was pregnant!  I'm still not 100% sure that I'm not.  And  I know in my deep heart and stomach that I am just trying to will myself pregnant, but I wish I didn't know about all of these symptoms.  About the sore boobies, which I get before AF anyways..., about implantation bleeding, which most people don't even get, the headaches, the mucus, the bloating, the "oh I felt my ovary do something", and everything else.  I spend more time trying to be one with my body.  And ugh.  It's exhausting.

But I'm obsessed.  I just ordered 40 OPK strips and 10 POAS strips from  I'm kind of excited.  Except that you have to dip these in your pee pee, which means that I won't be POAS I'll be PIACDAS*.

*Peeing in a cup and dipping a strip.  I made this up.  It might catch on.

I'm most interested to see if I'm ovulating, because as it stands right now, I don't think I am.  I don't think I have this month at all.  Which is ridiculous, because I used to have so much CM I'd keep extra underwear with me in case I felt the urge to change them, and 10 days after AF and I've hardly had anything.  How am I supposed to be fertile and make babies if there is no juice to bring the baby directions to the baby making station?!  I swear, the BD juice isn't even really making a surprise visit after BD...which is weird.  I mean, the normal amount comes out right afterwards...but you know...more usually follows later.  Maybe my cervix is so dry that it's just soaking it up like hand lotion.  New name for semen:  Cervix lotion.

I took a nap today.  What's my first thought?  I'm pregnant.  I'm feeling a slight (I mean, almost not noticeable but I notice it because I'm nuts) cramping in my uterus today (which is now CD 16) so surely it must be the baby implanting and making itself at home.  Or maybe AF is coming..(already?)  or maybe it's ovulating pains!  I DON"T F&^K&#G KNOW!

But I wish I did...

I drank 1 cranberry vodka made with 1/2 the normal vodka today followed by 2 glasses of water.  A comment was made and I'm trying to drop it.  I really am.  But I'm so angry about it.  I'm not even pregnant yet and already I'm being scrutinized.  As if I'm some sort of fricken moron.  As if I haven't read through dozens of books and websites in the past 2 months.  I wanted to throw something.  Still do, kind of.  But now I feel like I should cut out everything for fear that some one is going to make me feel like crap if I'm not the perfect fricken baby making vessel.

Sorry.  Had to get that out.  Again.

Neck twinge.  Maybe I'm pregnant.  Still feeling slight cramping.  I hope it's not AF.  please please please please please.

I keep hearing about the dollar store POAS.  I'm curious about these.  I may have to go pick one up just to see what it's all about.

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